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The Joke Thread

  1. The Joke Thread

    You all know the drill. Post your jokes.

    a man wakes up in a hospital bed with the doctor stood over him. "i've got some good news and some bad news" says the doctor.
    "whats the bad news?" says the man
    "we've had to amputate your legs"
    "oh sh it, and the good news?"
    "the guy in the next bed wants to buy your slippers!"
    luke797 likes this.

  2. #2
    What did the Parisienne say when he jumped off a bridge?


    "I'm insane!"

  3. good joke John,im afraid i dont get that one Oli...

  4. #4
    Teacher: O.K class what does your father do for a living?

    Billy: He works as an exotic dancer in a gay bar, and for the right price he goes to a seedy motel and sleeps with the punters.

    Teacher takes billy out of class and ask`s: Was that true?

    Billy: No he really plays cricket for Australia but i was to ashamed to say






    A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
    The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
    Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
    As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
    Last edited by oliscott; 26/09/2005 at 08:18 PM.
    Jasonlfc96, Hp99 and Lynbrook1 like this.

  5. Late last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club.

    It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing.

    Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was
    only
    broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin.

    Then suddenly he heard a strange noise.......


    BUMP........





    BUMP........







    BUMP........







    Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving
    rain,
    he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.





    BUMP........






    BUMP........







    BUMP........







    He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box
    approached
    from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly....It
    was
    a
    coffin.



    Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started
    walking briskly home.










    BUMP........










    BUMP........










    BUMP........











    He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking
    faster.........












    BUMP........BUMP......









    BUMP........BUMP......











    BUMP........BUMP......











    The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he
    heard
    the coffin speed up after him......











    BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...











    BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...












    BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...









    He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .......










    BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.








    BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....










    BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP....










    Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only
    seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys,
    his
    hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming
    the
    front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and slumped into
    his comfy chair.



    Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through
    the
    front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin
    allowing
    the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its
    chase.....








    BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...









    BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...











    BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...












    BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...










    In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could
    take
    him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........









    BUMP...SCREECH...HOP..BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...










    BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...











    BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...





    The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and
    launched
    itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door
    flew
    off its hinges.....

    The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young
    terrified lad.











    BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...













    BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP.SCREECH...








    BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...









    In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom
    cabinet......

    He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the
    coffin.......still it came ........











    BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...










    He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it ........still it
    came......








    BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP.SCREECH...











    He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ......still it came......









    BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...












    He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it........









    The coffin stopped.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------

    A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and Mother-in-law. The mother-in-law dies. They go to an undertaker, who explains that they can ship the body home but that it'll cost over $5000,Whereas they can bury her in the Holy Land for only $150.
    The guy says, "We'll ship her home."
    The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here."
    The guy says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead.
    I just can't take that chance."

  6. Sophie Ellis Bexter has been found dead in the hotel room of an international french footballer in Madrid.

    Police have said it`s murder on Zidanes floor.



    also in other news -

    SIX Newcastle players have been accused of a drug abuse scandal .

    Apparently : Shearer Cort Dyer Given Bellamy Speed...
    (btw a bit out of date)
    I crack myself up
    LFCMarshall, *Paul* and Chokopop like this.

  7. I ought to slap you for those jokes,apart from the mother in law one!

    Nice one Oli

  8. someone explain the bump bump coffin one !!! I dotn geddit at all !!!

  9. Benelyn cough medicine, The coffin (coughing) stop

  10. Quote Originally Posted by Murali
    someone explain the bump bump coffin one !!! I dotn geddit at all !!!
    That's because you are a jackass

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